Don't get a dog.  Just don't.  It isn't because of the hair on the sofa or the dog shit or the walks in the rain.  It's because you will fall in love with them and then they will go and die on you. 

 

No, wait.  Don't get the wrong idea.  Jessie has NOT died.  Not yet.  She turned 14 on Valentine's Day (convenient - always got a date, even if it's a date whose breath smells like prawns).  14 is 98 in dog years.  Not that dogs years actually exist.  You think dogs really calculate anything other than how many gravy bones are left in the box and how to get you to hand them over?  The concept of dog years is  a human conceit.

 

But  Jessie is old, time is marching on, I spend too much time worrying about her mortality, which in turn makes me think about my own inevitable decline.  Yes, it is possible to love too much.  Especially if you love a dog. 

 

And love can lead you to do crazy things.  While it can be amusing -even liberating, at first -  to use a special language, songs, hybrid words and all the rest of it when you are with your dog,  sooner or later  it will catch you out.   Singing to your dog in a nonsense language is an activity that is sure to be misunderstood by the outside world.

 

So we have instigated a special kind of 'buddy  check' routine before any of us leaves the house.  This sort of system will be familiar to scuba divers and followers of extreme sports and is vital to  ensure the safety of participants.  In our case it's Got your keys?  Yes.  Got your money?  Yes.  Got your Oyster Card?  Yes.  Stopped talking in the special stupid dog language?  Yes.

 

But it's when people come to visit; when you're off your guard - that's when it can get tricky.  Before you know it,  you find yourself turning to your much loved animal friend and humming the first few bars of a familiar tune...